Life Update: Rebuilding Stage |

What does it mean to be in a rebuilding stage? Have you ever felt like you have nothing left to give in life. That everything you touch breaks. No matter which direction you go, it crumbles. Once you fall, break, you rebuild.

I have been in a rebuilding stage 3 separate times in my life. Each time I am rebuilt stronger and more resilient then before. I am a better person with better determination with each build. Part of me is envious of people that have never had to be in a rebuilding stage. Then I remember all the strength, character, and skills I have built each time. I feel a sort of sadness for those who have never been faced with adversity.

You could say that I came into this world with enthusiasm no one can kill. Not allowing my mom to settle into her hospital room, I decided when I wanted to start this life and no one has been able to stop me since. Not even when this world has drained me from 99% of what I have in me. That last 1% drives me to keep pushing through.

Each rebuilding stage in my life has cleared people who are not a good fit or don’t have pure intentions, living situations that are not the best environment, career choices that are ultimately not aligned with who I am, and ultimately drained me of decisions in my life that I made that were not for my ultimate good.

Right now, I want to give up. I want to throw in the towel. I want to wave the flag of surrender.

2 weeks ago, my life flipped upside down. I have been picking up the pieces ever since but more and more is breaking along the way. All of these doors are closing for a reason but sometimes I wish I was be able to stand a little before getting knocked down again.

New apartment. Being let go from my job due to budget cuts. Losing friendships. Car being totaled after the catalytic converter was stolen and insurance isn’t covering it. It’s been a heavy 2 weeks.

Each time I am almost giving up, somehow that 1% grows and takes over. I somehow find the energy and motivation to make sh!t happen. I apply for jobs, I find a place to live, I lean into my friends that have become family, I grow my confidence and I own the bada$$ person that I truly am when I believe in her.

I have stayed quiet this year as I have been facing a lot of pain from my past and truly healing. I stepped away from sharing to allow myself the secrecy I needed to find ME.

This year I found her. She is amazing. She brings me to tears with the confidence she has found. The assurance of herself and her dreams. The way she is sure of who she is and doesn’t change for anyone else’s acceptance. The voice she found and is growing in confidence to use. The way she lives freely for herself. The way she knows what she brings to the table and isn’t afraid to walk away from situations or people that she knows she is worth more then.

This year broke me in more ways than I ever thought I could be broken. I have been broken before, but never this way. THIS is rock bottom. I truly had no idea how low I had to get in order to hit that dirt, but I did. I had to come into full realization of the pain I endured as a child, the pain as an adult, and the pain I hold onto everyday in order to let it all release from me.

I am in no way done healing.

I have a long ways to go. Ya know, F O R E V E R.

Especially with the most recent turn of events in my life.

But I am damn proud of the woman I am and where I am going.

I am still in Southern California. I have zero intention of ever leaving unless it’s to live on a farm in Italy. I have changed careers a couple times and still finding my fit. I have started designing again and have gotten back to my roots. I have learned new hobbies, developed new skills, allowed incredible people in my life, and found a few new freckles on my sun kissed skin. Even in the darkness of this last year, I still have so much in my life that has brought me joy and love. More than I have ever truly allowed in my life.

So heres to smiling through the tears and every repeated “I will figure it out” because I always do.